Dealing with emotions in divorce can be complicated and confusing and this was so true in our divorce.
In the fall of 2011 we met with Jim Johnson at Heartland Family Mediators to work out issues to end our marriage. Our two children at the time were ages 6 and 3. Our marriage had included some unproductive anger that was not good and divorce, sadly, was the alternative we chose.
Since the divorce we have talked about Jim’s description of mediation versus using attorneys in our first meeting: “If mom and dad agree on one thing they will agree on anything if that one thing is how they want their children to look when they are age 25 emotionally, spiritually, and in their capacity to have fulfilling relationships with others. In mediation, we help you align your resources to meet that end”.
That made perfect sense to us and we worked on maintaining that alignment. Our focus on the kids required us to compromise on a lot of things – many were complicated by the divorce itself – but our compromises had the happiness of our children at the center. That felt good to both of us.
A touching thing happened along the way and over time. Each of us witnessed the other sacrificing for our children. In our own way we came to admire each for that sacrifice. The challenges in our relationship were still there and they will always be there. But that admiration allowed us to recall what caused us to be in love with each other at the start. We became able to forgive one another.
On March 24, 2015 – in the presence of our children – we became engaged to re-marry. On June 6, 2015 we formally recommitted ourselves to each other in marriage and our marriage pretty much has picked up where we left off. No, it is not a “Disneyland” marriage since we have found this new focus. The relationship challenges remain. But we have learned since our divorce that with our children as the center of our lives, the things that divided us now seem insignificant. The admiration we found for each other had brought us back together. It now holds us together.
Jim insisted that doing things right (peacefully, respectfully, and in fairness to each other) keeps doors open. Jim was talking about keeping doors open for the benefit of the children. But we cannot help but think that our doing things right in the first place led us to where we were able to reconcile. We are now a whole family again. Our children like that. We like that.
Ours is a probably an uncommon result. But it is a result that could not have happened had we not done things right. We are indebted to Heartland Family Mediators for helping us craft a path towards peace in the aftermath of our divorce. From those dark days in 2011, who would have thought that things could have found a good end? But you know….. you never know.
